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Mis-scare-rage Pt 2

I cried every time I went to the bathroom that night...

I dreaded needing to pee because I would have to see more blood. I cried while showering because the hot water on my skin gave me some relief, and I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I cried every time my husband hugged me because it made the entire situation all too real.

In the morning, I called my doctor, except every phone call to the doctor starts with a receptionist. Who will always ask you, “And what is this regarding?” It is bad enough having to tell a perfect stranger that you are experiencing a miscarriage, but when the receptionist puts you through to the wrong physician’s assistant, you have to repeat “I think I’m having a miscarriage” two more times. I had to tell three strangers that I was having a miscarriage before the ultrasound was booked for later that day.

I had to go to the ultrasound alone (as if my morning wasn't rough enough)

Due to my husband’s job and how sudden everything happened, he couldn’t cancel his day to go with me (his patients need him as much as I do). I dreaded having to hear my worst fear confirmed alone, so I called a friend during my drive. My friend immediately asked me if I would like to talk about it or be distracted. I will always be grateful for this choice because I couldn't think clearly enough at the time to even know I could be distracted. Talking about what was happening would only make me want to cry, and at that point, I had cried so much my eye sockets started to hurt. So we talked about everyday troubles that seem to have no solutions but were the solution to keep my mind off my current situation. By the end of the drive, the one thing I felt like doing more than crying was needing to go to the bathroom. Before an ultrasound appointment, it is recommended you have a full bladder. The strain it took to hold it in was keeping my mind off everything.

As silly as that sounds, I find that any kind of distraction is a warm welcome during times of crisis. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hold in a full bladder of urine despite my focus. I had to relieve myself minutes before my appointment. Fearful of an insertion ultrasound (where they stick an ultrasound wand up your lady parts), I started chugging water in the middle of the waiting room. I must have looked insane with my puffy red eyes drinking from a gigantic 2000ml water bottle. I had gotten the bottle a few months ago when my biggest worry was staying hydrated and not losing a pregnancy.

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