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Mis-scare-rage Pt 4


At 11 weeks, this baby had already gotten three ultrasounds. If this kid grows up to be a celebrity, I guess I could say that this child was destined for the cameras even from a young age. Ultrasounds are supposed to be a joyful moment for expecting parents. They show you this tiny heartbeat on the screen, and you somehow feel closer to the life inside you. For my husband and I, that third ultrasound came with a lot of anxiety.


Before the last ultrasound, I cried so much that my eye sockets hurt. I think I was cried out this time because I hadn't shed a single tear. I wasn't sure if that meant I had accepted the worst outcome or if I was hopeful for good news. Either way, I knew that bleeding accompanied by cramping wasn't a good thing.


This time the technician was a man; he was chatty but not in an annoying way. I might have found him delightful if I wasn't so depressed. He and my husband stared at the monitor intently while I stared at the wall again. I heard the technician say, "You see it, right?". My whole body tensed up. I couldn't tell if he said it in a positive or negative tone. I started to panic, "See what? A lifeless blob? A blood-filled uterus?" It felt like forever before the technician said, "Okay, mom, there's the heartbeat." I whipped my head towards the monitor, and this time little nugget had arms and legs; he even moved and stretched. It was one thing to see a heartbeat, but to see him move around was unbelievable.


At this point in the pregnancy, you fear the worst. You're not quite 12 weeks, and every cramp and ache you feel sends a shock to your brain. Most days, I think about how crazy it is to know so little about something in your body. That is why ultrasounds are such a joyful moment; you finally get to see what's going on there. When I saw my baby move and stretch for a brief moment, I was reassured that my body was doing its job in protecting this joy I'd created.

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